And, we don’t want you to just stop doing a few things you are doing “wrong” (and wrong in one marriage may be fine in others). Or, when marriage friendly, they will be the cause of your blessings. “A few years ago I started seeing an individual therapist…” she begins. So, the difference between the psychological profession and hard science professions is that any M.D. Ultimately, you and your spouse need to discuss and decide together what is best for your relationship, as you will be the ones to live with whatever decision you make. Projects left unfinished and half-done chores are droplets of water accumulating over time into a deluge. Think of the underlying dynamics as the soil in which your marriage is rooted. But therapists refer to “foundational” studies that don’t specifically relate to marriage problems, nor do they give good indicators for treatments. Now only the most “dizzy” psychologist would ever suggest venting. They want help and they need a roadmap for healing. : The Five Step Action Plan to Saving Your Marriage,, Watch on Zoom: The Sheldon Rudoff a”h Memorial Lecture, Create a Mission Statement for Your Family. But people need to know the true statistics, and WHY they do so poorly. It takes proactive, knowledgeable actions to work the wonders you deserve in your marriage. Individual men, however, rarely have success if his wife already left. Brilliant. Here are three ways in which individual therapy may make your relationship issues worse: I am amazed at how therapists can draw conclusions about the other spouse without ever meeting him or her. Our programs are definite, clear, understandable, and effective. People get married and treat each other like they treat everyone else; but worse, due to what I call over-familiarity. Jealousy is an issue in one-third of all couples receiving marriage counseling, according to a nationwide survey of marriage counselors. That’s what defines them as reliable professionals. It leads to insecurity and second-guessing. That’s not a Hallmark invention, its the truth. However, that table is now covered with nasty “stuff”. I miss him. In fact, a better alternative can save you from a lot more pain and probably save your marriage. 99% of  marriage problems are solved addressing the underlying dynamics. In contrast, my specific list of steps were outlined on my whiteboard. The only psychological part of marriage is individual. My Christian marriage, which lasted almost 19 years, ended last year. Get counseling for yourself, and maybe even marriage counseling, too. Some excuses get elaborate, like the armchair diagnosis made from descriptions of the spouse by an angry partner. Good marriage counselors know it isn’t the problems that are wrong with a marriage. Whenever you start on our program, that is exactly the right time; it does not matter when. Even a “doctor” label doesn’t tell us anything other than after a certain point of education the person did some kind of research, created a thesis, and earned a doctorate degree. © 2021 Orthodox Union | All Rights Reserved, {{formatTime(zmanim.candle_lighting_shabbos)}}, 3) Removing your relationship from the center, Is My Marriage Over? We can trigger some ugly behavior in our spouse but that does not mean that our marriage needs to be trashed. Other than infidelity, I have observed that therapy is often the cause for one spouse to throw in the towel and give up. Therapists may take it upon themselves to affirm a small, or gargantuan flaw in one spouse or the other; after all, we all have them. Marriage success comes from what you will do now, and in the future, in spite of any errors you made in the past. Add to that your general lack of patience with each other and the fact that trust is very low. Some therapists attempt taking on the role of a “mediator” in their sessions, which completely misses the point; that marriages need to be built on love and positive intentions, not negotiation. You could not be accurate if you tried. How you communicate your past, or current problems, is never going to be truly accurate because your memory is imperfect. If you come home disagreeing with your spouse saying, “Well, my therapist said…” then you need to become a little more aware of the influence your individual therapy is having on your marriage. All our clients had horrible experiences before they came to us. But we still encourage men to try. I feel so strongly about this because I have heard many stories of relationships that could have been repaired had one spouse not been poisoned by his/her therapist about the other. Although marriage therapists and counselors' primary goal is to help you improve your relationship, that isn't always possible. When it comes to the reasons why marriages work, or fail, therapists do not have anything but “educated” guesses; either their’s or someone else’s. You need to learn about marriage and all the components that together make for a happy and fulfilling marriage. Good therapists for marriages, never try to solve problems, or even help couples solve their problems. “What’s up” is a set-up for lighting the fuse to even more cycles of negative actions and reactions. Traditional marriage counseling will not help you to “ get from here to there”. For medicine, and other professions, the consistency in training is based on double blind “studies” and proven theories. How can you fit enough useful information into forty-five minutes, or forty-five days. It happens all the time. “Not me but my buddy’s wife demanded counseling after he refused to ‘fix’ his habit of leaving the seat up. Unlike in other professions, where healing protocols are ultimately derived from all practitioners using the same protocols, testing minor changes in a standardized way, then improving upon the same protocols, there are no processes within the broad “school of psychology” to facilitate that. How will that help you? This article was not easy to write for me because I love so many who chose to sit there with couples. No two are the same. The key to happiness is always rooted in love, no matter what. I know you can’t put text up, but just throw in a few pics and build an audience there. You would need a month to fully talk about what happened just last week. When you hire a psychologist there isn’t any way to know what they know, how they will approach marriage, how they will guide you, how their past clients have fared, or how your marriage will end up…its all risk! I have heard the excuses because many of our clients tell us they want to save their marriage but their marriage counselor told them it was impossible because…. She figured couples counseling was the way to work our their relationship issues.” — MrsAHole. You are an individual first and foremost, so communicating “problems” is problematic. This should be practical, understandable, and clear. By Emily Novak and Echo Garrett . Most couples who try traditional couples counseling stagnate, suffer even more, or end their marriage altogether. Marriage counseling is a kind of graduate school for therapists that we don’t learn in school. Each must address their own flaws in their own time, in their own way. No, I am not referring to bad marriage therapy that often sounds like a screaming match behind closed doors, though that also does its share of damage. ADHD is Ruining My Marriage. When we first spoke, it was clear he didn’t need our TMF system. Likewise, the rules of other venues will not necessarily, or usually, work in your marriage. Summary: Night Shift Is Ruining My Marriage.How to Stop It Happening. B – The lovely experiences that each and every one of us seeks in marriage. From my personal experience, having met scores of therapists, its hard to find two who will agree on any particular “diagnosis”. Trust in the potential that your relationship has to heal, and focus your energy on your marriage. Couple after couple has sat upon my couch and the problems expressed come from these three underlying beliefs: 1. My marriage is on the rocks. Its easy for some to make clever excuses for their failures, often blaming the couple, while some of their self-created “statistics” promoting the ‘effectiveness’ of marriage counseling are highly suspicious. It truly does not matter how much you pay for marriage counseling. It is the shortcut, as well as the only thing that will work to create permanent marital happiness. Because there are no “practical” qualifications. Because they do not have consistency they cover up for this huge problem by calling their treatments “individualized”. Mediation or negotiation reduces your marriage to a “common” relationship. What you are taught about marriage leads you down the prone-to-divorce path. His philosophy and approach were effective, and he helped many couples. The underlying dynamics of your marriage have to be learned, and understood. For details and next steps on what it looks like to prioritize your relationship in practical ways, check out my latest book: Choosing Marriage. Traditional marriage counseling is a frustrating waste of time. I have never heard of a person changing themselves because they at last realized they made a mistake, or were foolish, or “wrong”, or whatever. While these may all be forms of verbal abuse, they can often be dealt with and couples’ behavior can change. They want to know what they may be doing “wrong”. Individually, some therapists experiment with new protocols of their own design; writing new books and selling “cures” as fast as “latest” diets are created. How you will feel is terrible, as you relive the painful experiences. They cannot be traced back to a particular “cause” being responsible for the problem. On the other hand, when you pay attention to your dental hygiene, which is an underlying dynamic, your heart will probably heal itself. Marriage family therapists don’t share relevant statistics with new clients. That’s the right way. But that’s not working out too well, either. You should be able to expect that any professional you hire, for whatever purpose, can do what you want done, according to basic knowledge; and not use you as a source of income, or for their own experimentation. A court may hire a psychologist to test for insanity, or a person’s ability to handle money etc. Raising and exploring “issues” (that are the result of your marriage’s underlying dynamics) creates more frustration and anger. When I was a divorce mediator, virtually all of my clients were referred to me by therapists who tried but failed to help couples stay together. While individual therapy is helpful for individuals, it is often counterproductive for couples going through marital problems. So, although the one who vented their frustrations may feel some relief, the one who was talked about, is going to feel abused. There are more plausible excuses for failure than colors on a color wheel. This ‘shift’ is the only thing that brings about results. The intelligence and efforts required to obtain a medical degree are much greater, as are the licensing requirements. 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